Apology

It wasn't simple.

But it wasn't hard either.

It was somewhere in between, like him, like me… like we both are, like this whole twisted situation was, what we were doing, planning on doing. It was insane, but… I felt needed… wanted, cared for loved, touched… everything he'd taken from me, but now… someone ahd given it back to me, and I wanted to love him, but I couldn't I wanted to hold him and say that I couldn't be without him.

But I'd be lying.

He's my brother, I love him as my brother, I'll always love him as a brother, no matter what he does to me, to someone else, or for someone else, I'm always going to be like that; Twisted. Like Them.

Them. Hard to know what to say, they twisted my world, shaped it to fit theirs, but it made me different, crash and burn slowly and painfully, but so many gave em a reason not to fall down and die, become like everyone else, my brother was one of those, he still is.

And I still love him.

I did it mostly because he wanted it, I wanted some of it yes, but all the way? I couldn't do anything except look at the wall afterwards and beg that I'd stop feeling guilty, about it, he chose to do it! It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault… that he left, I couldn't have known he'd find out. I couldn't possible have known… I couldn't possible have known that Z'd leave… I didn't know… that he'd been watching us, after you kissed me at the park, I didn't know its not my fault I'm sorry…

I didn't want ti to end, I dind't want you to end up crying after you lost everyone, even me… I didn't want to be the one to drag you down so hard that you cried for years, I didn't want to be the one to make you shed your own blood, but I was and I'm sorry, I'm sorry Big Brother, I'll never do it again I'm sorry! Please just talk to me… don't be like everyone else.

Everyone else.

Everyone else just leaves me, makes me stand outside in the rain while they were inside warm and dry, but then you came, and you helped me inside, they warmed up to me, even let me call them my friends, because you told me to let someone have a chance. You told me to take a chance, I did and I got hurt, but I'm happy I did, because know I'm controlling my own hope, my own life, my own dreams!

But, something went wrong.

And it crashed and burned again, but this time it wasn't Them… it was me… and only me… and I'm sorry that I did that to you… and to him… and… all of them…

I'm sorry… Big Brother…